Published: 8 years ago

Perhaps You Didn’t Hear Me…

The World Wide Interweb is a funny thing.  Because it greatly reduces face-to-face interaction, it’s hard to tell if someone is happy or sad, being serious or sarcastic, mildly anxious or standing on the side of a building and ready to push the eternal “ESC” button.

That’s why I’m glad we have tools like emoticons, as illustrated thusly:

Someone might say: My cat just died.  🙁  and we know they’re unhappy because of the I’m-frowning-on-my-side frowny face.

And then I would say, One cat down, 200 bazillion to go.  🙂  and you know that I’m happy, because I’m just that kind of a sicko.

Then there are the important issues, which people draw to your attention by putting them in bold, as in:

I think the Connections Pastor just intentionally ran over my cat.  Twice.

But my all-time favorite is the CAPS YELLER.  Perhaps you’re familiar with the caps yeller: it’s your aunt who doesn’t realize that caps lock works both ways.  Everything is important, everything is urgent, everything jumps out into your face like a computerized cat off a fridge, a’like so:

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I BOUGHT MORE CAT FOOD, BUT THE CAT IS DEAD.  SO I THINK I WILL GET ANOTHER CAT.  OR LEARN TO LIKE SALMON FLAVORED BITS O’STUFF.

I don’t know which method I will use today to draw your attention to the fact that you didn’t hear me very well last week, because as I do most days, I’m completely making this stuff up as I go along.  But readers, you’ve never let me down so far, and I don’t expect you to start now.  I NEED TO KNOW YOUR WORST JOB EVER (READ MORE ABOUT IT HERE).  🙂

And no, Jon Lunn, you cannot name the name of the business or your boss, or where he lives, or what you’d like to do with his cat.  That’s why your comment didn’t post, sicko.

Remember, there are prizes.  Or actually, two prizes.  Okay, your choice out of two prizes.

Seriously, hurry up.  Thursday’s your deadline.

2 Comments.
  1. Linda says:

    So, I couldn’t really think of a bad job but I did want to tell you that you just fell a few notches in my book by speaking unkindly about cats-of which I have 2-one is sitting here watching me type and He-Jasper-said “poo on you”. I’ll give you the other version when I see you in person.
    As for the contest thing, I can think of things that have happened that were bad but my job overall is pretty good. Like the time a kid pooped in his pants and little hard balls fell out of his pants legs. (He ended up in the hospital with blocked bowels-poor kid.) When the other kids, all 5th graders, saw it they thought a dog had been in the gym. So you know who had to clean it up-ME. Also, I have had several students throw up at my feet and I know some of you say, “oh, that’s not so bad, my kids do that all the time”. Well, these aren’t MY kids. They are my students. One day I had 4 throw up within 5 minutes. One was really sick and the other 3 did because they were watching the sick one. And then there’s the pee-pee on the floor…on the clothes…in the shoes. Of course all of this causes me to have to stop class and clean it up or call the custodian because I don’t want the P.E. equipment to go splashing into the puddles of whatever.
    Okay, I’ll stop here but I could write a book. Have fun with the contest.

  2. Jeremy says:

    I can’t say I’ve had a horrible job but I’ve had some pretty interesting job experiences. I used to work for a veternarian office/kennel. On my first day on the job I saw somebody bring their hamster in and had it put to sleep. I remember thinking that was a waste. Then later in the day a standard size poodle somehow flipped it’s stomach. To flip it back, the veternarian stuck a clear tube down its throat and sucked, with his mouth, the air out of it’s stomach until all the contents came out. The dog’s stomach flipped back.

    Am I selling my personal stories to you for your autobiography kind of like Kramer selling his stories to Peterman?

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