Published: 8 years ago

Shed the Love

Got it on the first take, no kidding!

Had you told me a year ago that our family would be moving back into the world of dog ownership, I would have laughed.  Had you told me that we would have an inside dog, I would have said you were crazy.  Had you told me that the inside dog would ever shed so much as a single strand of fur on my carpet, I would have chugged a bottle of Purell and found my happy place, because that goes against everything my inner germophobe believes in.

But back on Mother’s Day of this year, we became the proud owner of Sipsy the Wonder Idiot, a yellow lab that – dare I say it – has become part of the family.  The day we brought her home, I readied her space in the back yard, because she was not going to be an inside dog.

“This is an outside dog!” I would loudly proclaim to my neighbors, while my wife and kids were inside preparing her indoor doggy bed in the living room, her indoor doggy dishes in the kitchen, and her indoor doggy blender for whenever she got the notion to whip up a Milk Bone Frappucino in the middle of the night.

And sure enough, within three days the dog ventured inside.  “She just needs to know what goes on inside” my wife said.

A few days after that, she slept in a crate in the kitchen.  “Whenever there’s a storm she needs to sleep inside, so we need her to be used to being in the crate.”

And before I knew it, the dog was sacked out in the kids’ bedrooms, laying on her back with her feet in the air, laughing under her breath every time I walked by and saying a low, “Woof.”  Which is dog for “See there, sucker man?  The dog wins, every time.  Today it’s your kids’ bedroom, tomorrow I’ll be driving your car and listed as the primary beneficiary on your 401(k).  Now fire up the blender…puppy needs a fresh Frappucino.”

But I digress.  I’ve gotten used to the dog being an inside dog.  What I cannot get used to is the second round of shedding.

The first round of shedding came shortly after Sipsy came to live with us.  At that time, she was an outside dog, so no big deal.  But apparently, there’s a Labor Day shedding season, and she’s smack in the middle of it.  We vacuum up enough dog hair every day that we could create an entirely new dog. I’m convinced that all of this hair is not coming from her…there’s no way she could regenerate that much fur every day.  I’m pretty sure that she’s getting the hair from other sources…E-Bay, maybe?  Or perhaps she’s inviting other neighborhood dogs over while we’re asleep:

“Okay, Shadow, I’m going to need you to brush me right down the back, where I can’t reach.  There’s a good clump of hair there that’s waiting to fall.  Hooch, give ‘er a good shake right there on the carpet.  You’ve got a good shed thing going on there.  Thaaaat’s it.  Not so fast, Rocco, you silly black lab, keep your fur on…they’ll never fall for it.  Angel, baby!  Plug up that electric razor…”

However the fur gets here, it continues to fall.  And we continue to sweep, vacuum, take-her-outside-and-brush-like-crazy, and generally wonder if we’ll ever have a hair-free day again.  We’ve tried solution after solution, and I’ve only found one that works so far:

Make her an outside dog. It’s simple, it’s sure, it would settle everything once and for all. It seems so obvious to me, and you’d think it would be obvious to the rest of the family.

The trouble, it seems, is Sipsy.  Because they talked it over with her, and she told them that if they ever wanted to see any of that 401(k) money if God forbid something should ever happen to me…she stays inside.

Any other day I would probably take that as a direct threat.  But for now, pass the Purell.

8 Comments.
  1. Lauren Dyson says:

    Wow, that’s a battle I’ll probably fight in a few years. Josh has always had inside dogs and I’ve always had outside dogs. And I’m tired of cleaning up the fur that our inside/outside cat leaves behind!
    I hope to stand my ground about the outside dog, but we’ll see…

  2. I once promised to give 10% of the value of the residence in question to two friends of mine if I even own an inside dog.

    I’m sure Brent and Billy are loving that you now have fur on your carpet.

  3. B the Builder says:

    Ture, Labs shed a lot. I don’t do it often, but I have to one up you… St. Bernard. A 185 lb. St. Bernard… who thought he was a “sit on your lap on the sofa while you watch a movie” dog. So we had the “lots of shedding” combined with the “lots of drooling”… mmm, fun. He’s been gone for over 6 years now and I still find Yogi hair from time to time.

  4. OCD Superstar says:

    And THAT’S why I can never have an inside dog. The whole time I’m reading your post all I can think is “Dog hair…in the corners of rooms, in the bathrooms, in the beds, in the carpet, and probably even in your (shutter) toothbrush…it’s EVERYWHERE!” Sorry, I don’t think I’m going to make it for dinner at your place after all…

  5. amanda says:

    go buy a furminator brush for her… expensive… but it will change your life

    (this is from the girl who has TWO adult golden retrievers in her home)

  6. Ellen says:

    Danny you light up my life… hahahaha I have laughed till I have cried at your blog.. And the picture is priceless.. people I work with think you should write a book. they have cracked up at your Shed the Love…Okay!! I think the problem is the airconditioning.. maybe she thinks it is now spring instead of fall…I’m not really a doggie person either so no real expert advise here. I thought they shed their winter coats once a year. Amanda seems to have a great idea. At least you have solved the runaway problem. Oh and Melissa idea.. yep I with you… totaly gross.. throw-up

  1. By Danny Franks | This Is NOT a Dog Blog on March 30, 2017 at 7:56 am

    […] don’t want to be “that guy” who tells more stories about his dog, but this one…well, this one must be […]

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