(Editor’s Note: the car is not really for sale. No phone calls, please.)
On Tuesday, the Franks household lost a dear member of the family. My ’93 Honda Accord – forever known as the Snot Rocket – went to be with Jesus.
I’ve had the SnotRocket for at least six years (it seems like forever). It has held other names throughout the years, such as The Big Green Booger (you think it’s funny, but itsnot) and a few other descriptive terms that I shan’t print here.
The acquiring of the SnotRocket was a miracle in itself. It replaced my ’91 Honda Accord (named Lazarus…it kept coming back to life), which was stolen out of the church parking lot when we were back on Holt School Road. But that’s another blog post for another day.
And so it goes that all good things must come to an end. My mechanic broke the news to me on Tuesday that SnotRocket is in a better place (or will be, just as soon as the junkyard comes to pick her up).
So all of this got me to thinking – what if I could actually sell the SnotRocket? What would that car ad look like? I think it might resemble something like this…
FOR SALE: 1993 HONDA ACCORD
A car with character!
(If by “character” you mean it has 214,000 miles, a rusty side panel, and is the color of mucus.)
This vehicle is HOT!
(The air conditioning broke back in May, just in time for summer.)
Temperature controls in the palm of your hand!
(Every time you hit a bump, the knob falls off and you have to pick it up.)
A real attention-grabber!
(The muffler is shot, so people hear you coming a half-mile away, which causes your middle schoolers to ask you to drop them off ¾ mile away.)
Enough room to seat an army!
(It’s an army of ants that invade every few weeks. No, I don’t know where they come from. No, I don’t know where they go. They’re just….there. And they bite me.)
Interesting water features!
(Whenever it rains, the back floorboard collects two inches of water, which freezes beautifully in the winter.)
A car that will grow on you!
(Much like the black mold that’s growing in the trunk because it also leaks. I already ripped out the trunk carpet but the plywood is still infested, which might explain my respiratory issues.)
(Mainly because the antennae broke off to a little stub and you can only pick up a radio station if you park on top of the radio tower, so yeah…you’ll want to bring along your illegal earbuds while trucking down the road.)
Brand new brake lights!
(The driver’s side brake light keeps melting the wiring harness, so it gets replaced every six weeks.)
Get back to nature!
(You have to roll down the windows since the A/C is shot. Which is awesome during a thunderstorm. Ask me how I know.)
Working dome light!
(The dome light actually does work. What, you think this car’s a total LEMON?!?)
A real conversation starter!
(The windows down plus the busted muffler means your passengers have to scream at the top of their lungs.)
(They automatically switch from low to high beams for no reason whatsoever.
A ride with get up and go!
(You’ll Get Up and Go call AAA when it won’t crank. Which is every few days.)
(The windshield fogs over and the defroster doesn’t work.)
You can’t stop this car!
(The brake line needs to be replaced.)
This is one smokin’ vehicle!
(The radiator needs to be replaced, too.)
Convenient dual axle!
(The rear axle is about to snap in half and also needs to be replaced.)
Will cause other drivers to take notice!
(Mainly because if you’re hypothetically driving down I-40 there could be a hypothetical situation where the chrome seal hypothetically breaks off of the windshield and makes the car behind you swerve into the other lane to miss it. You know. Hypothetically.)
Other features too numerous to mention!
(But let’s give it a shot: the windows don’t roll all the way up, the glove compartment drops open when you hit a bump, the retractable cup holder hasn’t retracted from day one, the neighbors may or may not get annoyed when you crank the car and it sounds like you’re coming through their bedroom wall, and you will alienate your kids from having any sort of cool factor for their entire teenage years which kind of makes it all worth it.)