Published: 7 years ago

Hooptie Deux Review

The recent Car for Sale post generated quite a bit of buzz.  For those of you who haven’t abandoned this blog in pursuit of better things like, oh, let’s say bedbugs in New York, here’s an update…

The SnotRocket’s successor has been named.

That’s right.  As of Friday, the Franks family has a new used car.  And by “Franks family,” I mean “me,” since my wife, kids and dog refuse to be seen in it.  My wife still drives her sporty little SUV-type thing with her fancy cupholders.

Me?  I’m the proud new owner of a ’97 Oldsmobile 88.  This is not your grandma’s Oldsmobile.  Oh, don’t get me wrong…it’s somebody’s grandma’s Oldsmobile.  If this thing were in a Nascar race, it would be sponsored by K&W Cafeteria and Polident.

And it’s big.  This weekend I went to Chapel Hill…and didn’t even have to leave Durham.  That sucker sits in two different zip codes.  It’s trackable via Google Earth.  I had to pick up a new long distance plan just to call my oldest son, who enjoys riding in the trunk (his embarrassment knows no bounds).

And ugly?  Ugly doesn’t begin to describe it.  Some people at church on Sunday said, “Hey, that’s not so bad,” which is Christianese for “Ouch ouch OUCH GET IT AWAY IT’S BURNING MY RETINAS.”  Maybe it’s the fuzzy pink steering wheel cover I added for effect, I don’t know.  It’s like I bought this thing at the corner of Shame and Desperation.

But the best part of the new hooptie is the backstory on the previous owner.  I bought it from a cop who had bought it four months ago for his college aged daughter.  Apparently she threatened to move to an Amish community where she could seek asylum from driving such an old, large, ugly car (as if the horse and buggy would have been any cooler at UNCW), so the cop decided to get rid of it.

He purchased it from an elderly couple in North Durham.  The wife had her own car, but this car belonged to the husband.

The husband who is legally blind.

The husband who is legally blind but still made his way out to the driveway twice a week and cranked the car to keep it in good running condition.

The husband who is legally blind but still made his way out to the driveway twice a week and cranked the car to keep it in good running condition and maybe sometimes took it for a spin around the yard and bumped every single tree in the yard and now the hooptie has dings and scratches on every fender.

And to that story, I told my cop friend, “You had me at ‘legally blind.’  I’ll take it.”

Hooptie Deux has a low, low 58,000 miles on it, which is approximately 262,000 trips around the North Durham backyard.  It’s got a cassette deck, which is awesome.  (True, there’s a cassette hopelessly stuck in there – probably 1930’s swing music – but still, it’s a cassette deck).  It has a working cigarette lighter, which I haven’t had in one of my cars in well over a decade, so now I can charge my phone while driving (hey, it’s the little things).

And best of all, it has an old man smell so powerfully pungent that my wife doesn’t like me to hug her when I get home and my Social Security payments will probably kick in any moment.

Which is great, because K&W can get expensive.

18 Comments.
  1. Lauren Dyson says:

    Danny, you need to compile these things into a book. I can’t stop laughing!

  2. Andrew says:

    Danny – post pics. 🙂

  3. B the Builder says:

    Dude! Not fair that you make fun of the hooptie before we even get a chance to.
    But you forgot “instead of cool cup holders like your wife’s SUV, it has fancy denture holders” and “extra loud speakers for the hearing impared”.
    Congrats on the new ride.

  4. yo' sis says:

    OH!!! You’re killing me! That was funny but I thought Yum was the one getting a NEW car!

  5. Kearsie says:

    Oh Danny. I feel your pain. Did you pat my Green Boogermobile whilst vacationing at the inlaws? Did you go inside my Green Boogermobile that we bought from a 95 year old man that, too, has a cassette tape stuck in it, with no roof lining? Did you catch that waft of Old 95 year old Man still stuck in the fabric lining? Ah, the memories.

    Also, do you feel like your car is floaty like ours?

  6. CINDY GLOVER says:

    tears in my eyes from reading this, Danny.
    what a blessing….

  7. Lynn says:

    My roommate and I cannot stop laughing at this post! My dad drove a buick when I was in high school, so I feel the kids’ pain!

  8. Jeremy says:

    Funny post. Is there such a thing as a house warming for cars? If so, put me down for the hard candy dish and 3 packs of white pocket Kleenex.

  9. Andrew Banks says:

    Danny:

    I heard another story about a young man who bought a car from an old man. Something about how the dents began to disappear overnight, the radio only tuned into to the oldies station, and he began to have a strong desire to slick his hair and wear a black leather jacket…If you find yourself sitting alone in the car late at night talking to it or choosing to spend time with the car rather than your wife and kids – you may want to ghost ride that sucker off into the nearest ‘holler (as you know, that’s TN talk for ravine).

  10. photorobin says:

    NASCAR would be well served by inviting the Polident Oldsmobile team to the track! You would open racing up to a whole new demographic.

  11. Mark Waltz says:

    Now that you’ve written about it, you can sell it. Surely that was the only reason you bought it.

  12. does it have a/c? i will would trade you my own 97 nissan altima equipped with rattling noises and so much more if this car has a/c!
    i have no one to impress.

    my dad might get angry with me though…

  13. Blair Graham says:

    Danny,

    If the whole Pastor thing doesn’t work out you definitely have a career doing sit-down in front of the keyboard comedy! That was a riot! Aubrey and I are cracking up reading this post. What a joy to read your humor. Ironically, it took my wife reading J.D.’s blog to get us over here via a link to one of your posts. Thanks for the good laughs!

    Blessings,

    Blair

  14. Ainsley says:

    Danny,
    I loved this and I know I am late, but I finally work at a place where you are not blocked due to questionable content. I work at Duke…that explains alot.
    This cracked me up!!! I had to drive my papa’s Lincoln TownCar for about a month, and I floated my way to work instead of commuted. AndI had to put the arm rests down everytime I took one of the clover leaf exits because I slid across the seats! My mom had to drive the Buick like yours when she sold her car, we called it the Ghetto Sled. Feel free to use that!!! 🙂

  15. Audra Hodges says:

    I’m sure this was the kind of car that Dave Ramsey would be proud of and that, before it left your family, you gave it a name. 🙂 OH… and I really like how you angled the photo to highlight the length of the car. Ha!

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