I’m dialing the archives back five years today. Enjoy a tip o’ the pilgrim’s hat to next week’s holiday:
The obvious guests for the celebration would have to be the Indians; so instrumental were they in the pilgrims’ survival. The pilgrims immediately issued the invitation, but were stunned to learn that many of their guests would be boycotting the dinner because the term “Indian” connoted savagery, beastliness, and an incorrect geographical location of origin.
Squanto was unable to come because he was the target of a lawsuit by the local farmers’ union. His tutoring to the pilgrims on how to plant corn constituted a violation of the local agricultural standards and “no-compete” clauses.
Miles Standish was being investigated by the EPA and USDA for implementing Squanto’s practice of using dead, rotting fish to grow the crops.
PETA showed up and protested the cruel and inhumane treatment of the turkeys prior to the meal. One of the pilgrims suggested that inhumane treatment was probably okay since the turkeys weren’t actually human, which only served to anger the PETA protesters and caused them to throw raw giblets onto the gathering crowd.
The Democrats came and declared that the pilgrims’ crop had netted too many vegetables. They forced the pilgrims to hand over half of their vegetables, which they promptly reallocated to a neighboring colony that didn’t have as many vegetables.