My good friends at Hershey’s, the same people who brought us the Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg and my ever-expanding waistline / borderline sugar coma, have rolled out a chocolate cross just in time for Easter. (In full disclosure, there were several other manufacturers represented in the chocolate cross section, but Hershey’s had the best packaging scheme.)
It doesn’t even say, “Solid Milk Chocolate Cross,” it just says “Solid Milk Chocolate” and then you have to fill in the blank based on the product in the little window below. Solid Milk Chocolate Cross for Christians, Solid Milk Chocolate Sideways X Marks The Spot for Pirates, Solid Milk Chocolate Plus Sign for Mathematicians or Solid Milk Chocolate This Is Not Actually A Red Cross for direct descendants of Clara Barton.
Also, I’m thinking they’ve missed some great tag lines. Where are the tag lines? Just “Happy Easter.” I mean, if we’re going to be religiously tacky, why not be really religiously tacky? How about: “Happy Easter: taste the sweet sacrifice.” or “Happy Easter: not just a chocolate fix, but a chocolate crucifix.” or “Happy Easter: die to your old sweet tooth, resurrect a new blood sugar level.”
I just can’t wait to see the companion products they’ll roll out: how about Resurrection Eggs? (Oh wait, they already have those.) Or Empty Tomb Fortune Cookies? (Surprise! There’s no fortune!) Or Passion Week Passion Fruit?
…I got a million of ’em, folks. Next year, I’m puttin’ this stuff on the market.