Summit Predictions for 2010

This is an insider’s post for those of you who were in our worship services yesterday (or heck, just about any Sunday).  With apologies to John Posey, a Summit member who used to write fun things like this until he became a grown up and got a real job.

The date: May 2, 2010.

The setting: Summit auditorium.

In a never-ending attempt to get people into the service on time, the Summit’s Coffee Bar launches “Express-O!”, a new convenience where you can order coffee via cell phone as you’re pulling into the parking lot, and your custom brew will be fired at you via air cannon when you walk in the door.

The Summit choir will continue to fake people out by starting early before the countdown clock actually ends.  So early, in fact, that music for the second service will crank up before the first service sermon has ended.

Auditorium seaters will be equipped with tubs of Country Crock.  Latecomers will be slathered with butter in an attempt to squeeze them into the already-crowded venue.

Jon Lunn, Chief Czar of Pipe and Drape, makes a horrible misstep and spears three people completely through their abdomen while opening up new seats.  He’s immediately contacted by the makers of the Friday the 13th franchise to be a creative director for their latest movie, Friday the 13th Part 22: Jason’s Final Impression.

Marcus Collins, soloist extraordinaire, will attempt to hit the highest note known to man, and his head will spontaneously combust into flames, setting afire pianist James Forrest, who is watching in amazement from nearby.  Cher Lair, Billy Hoffman, and Michelle Gaynor are spared, having been hired by the city of Branson, Missouri to start their own theater / music palace.

Chris Gaynor remembers to turn his headset mic back on after a choir special.*

In an effort to further streamline the multi-site approach, J.D. Greear preaches via hologram.  The hologram freezes up ten minutes into the message, causing the end-timers to storm the stage and claim that it’s another sign of Armageddon.

And finally, Danny Franks is left completely alone in the auditorium after trying to fit 72 announcements in a three minute slot, talking like an auctioneer on speed, cracking lame jokes, and thereby confusing and alienating everyone…in other words, business as usual.

*My mistake.  That should be under the “Summit Predictions for When Pigs Fly” post.