I Find Your Lack of Knowledge Disturbing

Like all good citizens of the world, I am anxiously awaiting the release of the latest movie in the Star Wars franchise. I have fond memories of my nine year old self playing with my Jabba the Hutt Tattoine palace playset (complete with Sy Snootles and the Max Rebo Band. Top that, nerds.).

So it was with great pleasure that I forced – I mean invited – my thirteen year old to join me on a journey to episode VII. He’d never seen any of the movies, save for random drive-bys on TV. So several weeks ago we sat down for The Phantom Menace. I carefully explained the canon, the debates over the appropriate orders in which to watch the movies (I, II, III, IV, V, VI vs IV, V, VI, I, II, III), and that – as his father – I had the responsibility to let him see the story play out in chronological order.

I will save you the stories of his obvious hatred of The Character Who Shall Not Be Named. We will skip the retelling of the acting atrocities that belonged to the early versions of Anakin and Padme. I can’t even give you his opinion of the original trilogy, because we haven’t even gotten there yet. (Gasp.) Instead, I want to focus on The Theory.

That’s right. The Theory. The Theory belonged to Jase and Jase alone. The Theory came sometime between Episodes I and II. And The Theory went something like this:

“I’m thinking that Anakin grows up to be Luke Skywalker.”

Ohhhh. So close, son. So, so close.

Even a casual fan of the movies knows how that one turned out. Towards the end of Episode III when Palpatine’s head turns into a galactic gluteus maximus and Anakin is officially christened as Darth Vader, Jase’s jaw dropped. “I did NOT see that coming.”

Wait’ll he sees Episode VI. Better yet, wait’ll he finds out that Luke is slated to be in VII and yet – as a major character – he doesn’t appear on the poster. Is he now a bad guy? Has he turned to the dark side? Is he dead? Rooming with Jar Jar Binks in some weird cosmic Odd Couple style spinoff?

So take heart, dads of young kids. You have awesome days like this to look forward to.

Meanwhile, for the rest of you fellow Star Wars nerds, please enjoy the following: