Announcing the Summit’s “Fundamentalist-in-Residence” Program
[Editor’s note: before you read the following post, please take notice of two things:
1. It was originally penned on April 1. (APRIL. FIRST.)
2. And if April 1 does nothing to jog your brain, you should definitely click the link at the bottom. No seriously. Please click it.
Okay, carry on.]
For the last dozen years I have been pleased to be a part of a church that is constantly looking forward. We have believed God for great things, and in many instances that has led us to dare great things. We have seen thousands baptized, hundreds move to other nations, and dozens of churches planted. Our college ministry has a potential impact on over 100,000 students in our backyard. Our student and children’s ministries believe in partnering with families to raise up the next generation for Christ.
We have been blessed by God, and so therefore we want to bless others for God.
But we have realized lately that our approach is a bit unbalanced. While looking to the future, we have failed to anchor to the past. While dancing on the cutting edge, we haven’t planted our feet in historical tradition. We can’t look ahead to where we’re going if we don’t understand where we’ve been.
And that’s why I’m so excited to join the rest of our staff in announcing a new residency program at the Summit. We’ve launched residencies for church planters, for biblical counselors, and for ministry leaders of all shapes and sizes. We’ve moved forward, to be sure. But later this fall, we’ll move forward by moving backward.
The Summit’s new Fundamentalist-in-Residence program will usher in a blast from the past. Gone are the days where we naively look ahead to a bright horizon. We will dig deep into the ancient ways in order to restore order. The F.i.R. will help us maintain a tight grip on all progress, carefully inspecting each jot and tittle to ensure that we are protecting the way things should be.
Cutting edge? We don’t need to be cutting edge all the time. Every now and then a dull, blunt object is just what you need. If we really believe that “the gospel is offensive,” then we need a few more people that make this their specific calling.
Like all good ministries of the Summit, our F.i.R. has its own set of plumblines:
- If it’s true that “the more things change, the more they stay the same,” then what difference does it make…let’s just keep things the same!
- Altar calls continue until the Spirit is satisfied. And on Super Bowl Sunday, he’ll be extra hard to satisfy.
- If it is new, it is bad. If it is old, it is good. (Unless it’s really old, because then it might be Catholic.)
- There is no fight not worth fighting.
- Jesus was born in the past. If the past wasn’t too good for Jesus, it’s not too good for us.
The residency program is designed to be a ten month commitment, starting this fall and lasting through the spring semester. However, we believe that once you become a resident, you will dig in your heels and simply refuse to leave! Residents will be matched up with ministry leader(s) of their choice, spending each day looking over their shoulder and offering helpful correction anywhere and everywhere they see a need for it. They will take “priesthood of the believer” to a new level as they sacrifice anyone who would get in their way of maintaining the status quo. They will squash dissent and crush spirits in an effort to bring sanity back to a ministry world gone mad.
All F.i.R.s will receive a monthly stipend for suits (office wear) or culottes (casual Friday).
The ideal candidate for a Fundamentalist-in-Residence will possess the following qualities:
- Strict adherence to the King James Version of the Bible, the translation Jesus used.
- The ability to focus solely on pet projects and personal preference.
- A tight grasp on all matters related to filthy mammon, and an even tighter grasp on the mammon in their pockets.
- A knack for rightly dividing the word of truth, especially as it applies to others.
- An inward-gazing mindset that keeps outsiders out and insiders in their place.
- Be familiar with standard phrases such as “We’ve never done it that way before” and “Show me where it says that in the By-Laws.”
- The desire to juggle multiple opinions on issues such as Youth Sunday, Quarterly Men’s Breakfast, and the paint job on the church van.
- At least two years’ training on the pipe organ.
I’m excited about the F.i.R. program, and you should be, too. At the Summit, we want to put the mental back in Fundamental.
Interested in applying for you or someone else? Start here.
Wanna continue the foolishness? Here’s a look at April Fools Days of yore…
Nice one Danny!! Loved it..
Awesome. Another Masterpiece.
I wouldn’t let myself come to your site until I was pleased with my overall productivity for the day. You did not disappoint!!!
“…and on Super Bowl Sunday, he’ll be extra hard to satisy.” #classic
Signed me and the rest of my crew up from West Franklin. I knew this opportunity would come. Time to write home. Mom will be so proud.
Steve has been telling me I need to get a job. Maybe with my vast organ-playing experience and advancing age, I would be a good candidate for this. Would you be willing to pay for my travel expenses? 🙂