The NoTurna® Vaccine Is Coming!
Before you read the following post, take note that the original publication date was April 1.
April Fools Day.
Thank you. And carry on.
Our long international nightmare is almost over.
You may think, of course, that I am referring to the coronavirus pandemic, the decreasing number of case counts, and the increasing number of vaccination rates. And those things are true: as cases go down and vaccines go up, our lives will begin to return to normal.
But as normal life returns, normal habits, practices, and annoyances will follow. Those things that we didn’t like about pre-pandemic life may resurrect to haunt us in post-pandemic life.
That’s why I’m excited to announce the family of NoTurna® vaccines.
The birth of NoTurna®
You may not know that our church offices are located on the edge of Research Triangle Park, a hub for landmark medical studies and ground zero of countless breakthrough innovations. Many of our covenant members are on the front lines, developing new tools in the fight against multiple global health crises.
As 2020 unfolded, conversations with those members led us to the realization that they couldn’t stop at a covid vaccine. If it’s possible for us to eradicate a global virus, it should be possible to eradicate local micro-annoyances. Working countless hours and reaching across corporate boundaries, this small but hardy team is now in the trial phase of NoTurna®.
How NoTurna® helps you
We’ve all been there on a Sunday morning: you are in a worship service, minding your own ecclesiological business, when suddenly a pastor, worship leader, or announcement-giver cajoles you to “turn to your neighbor and give them the right hand of fellowship!” As an introvert / germaphobe / forgot-my-breath-mint-at-home-kind-of-person, you have no interest in turning to your neighbor or giving the right hand of fellowship.
NoTurna® suppresses the extroversion gene and inflames the body’s natural awkwardness glands, making the “turn and greet” time a thing of the past. A one-time jab in your arm means a lifetime of immunization from meaningless small talk, superficial chattiness, and empty promises to pray for one another. Not to mention the preventative measures that come by not shaking hand after hand of filthy ne’er-do-wells in the first place because you don’t know where those hands have been.
The NoTurna® family of vaccines
In our research, the team found that different strains of the population respond better to different interventions. That’s why NoTurna® isn’t just one vaccine, it’s a family of vaccines for the church family in your life:
- NoTurna® Standard: ideal for introverts and germaphobes. From the first dose, you will give off a natural “out of my personal space” vibe.
- NoTurna® Suppression: best used for people who never meet a stranger. Designed to attack the outreach receptors, NoTurna® Suppression will have their hands back in their pockets and their heads facing downward in no time.
- NoTurna® Stagetime: the biggest enemy of the introvert is the gregarious up-front leader. NoTurna® Stagetime eradicates sloppy transitions, awkward announcements, and illogical filler from worship leaders and pastors everywhere. (side effects include the complete disappearance of student pastors)
- NoTurna® Silver: perhaps the most ground-breaking in the NoTurna® family, Silver is a specific injection for the 75+ congregant, and immediately quells the need to offer you a five-year-old butterscotch mint, loudly discuss recent surgical procedures, or ask why a nice young man like yourself hasn’t found a female friend yet.
- …and that’s not all. In the months to come we will roll out NoTurna® MeTime (immunity from being asked to serve on the weekend), NoTurna® Backoff (prevents dating requests from the weird guy in the College and Career class), NoTurna® Prius (disguises your pickup truck so you’re not asked to help someone move), and NoTurna® Unspoken (eliminates awkward small group prayer times altogether).
Together, we can eradicate awkward turn-and-greet times. Find out more about NoTurna® here.
Claims have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration, World Health Organization, The International Association of Church Hospitality Professionals, or The Gospel Coalition. Reported positive side effects may include shorter services, organic friendliness, and a decrease in the use of phrases like “Hey Brother,” a common trope to cover the fact that you have forgotten someone’s name. Additional negative side effects include air hugs, head nods, fist bumps, and elbow taps. Do not drink alcohol while taking NoTurna®, or any other time if you’re Baptist. Stop using NoTurna® and call your pastor at once if you experience sudden extroversion, side hugs, or a desire to invite someone to your multi-level marketing downline. Avoid taking NoTurna® within one hour of being around people you actually like. NoTurna® is not recommended for charismatics and has shown no measurable behavior difference in Presbyterians.
If you’re up for more foolishness, here’s a look at April Fools Days of yore…
- 2020 – Connecting Online: a Pandemic Guide to Guest Services
- 2019 – Book #2 is Coming Soon!
- 2018 – First Time Guest Easter Baskets
- 2017 – Blessed Are the Hands: My Next Chapter of Ministry
- 2016 – The Secret Shopper Service Begins!
- 2015 – Announcing the Summit’s “Fundamentalist-in-Residence” Program
- 2014 – Introducing socialMEdia™ Small Groups
- 2013 – First Time Guest Giveaways
- 2012 – New Day, New Parking Rules
- 2011 – The New Venue’s Value
- 2010 – Baptism Xpress This Weekend!
- 2009 – Gospel-Centered Coffee