Easter Closeout Sale: Act Now!
Before you read the following post, take note that the original publication date was April 1.
April. First.
April Fools Day.
Thank you. And carry on.
As this post goes live, we’re just a few hours past the close of Easter Weekend 2024. And what a weekend it has been! For most of us, our churches saw a huge uptick in attendance, and excitement mingles with exhaustion as we head into a new week.
If there is one downside to Easter, it’s an overabundance of leftover inventory. In short: we over-ordered. So in an attempt to keep my storage closet manageable – and to give you some great deals – we’re offloading the following products. Stay tuned after the jump for ordering and pricing information.
Full-sized Easter Bunny costume, lightly worn by our pastor
Suitable for re-wearing or lovingly framing to hang over your mantel, this costume was worn just once by our pastor as a kickoff to his Easter Sunday sermon, Nobunny Loves You Like Jesus.
Costume is “onesie” style with a zippered front and a full hood (no face mask included, because we can all drop the mask when we meet Jesus).
Dry cleaning unavailable, buyer assumes all risks of odor, because stage lights + fake fur = pastoral sweat.
Nobunny Loves You Like Jesus sermon guide
Listen: we rarely provide hard copies of our pastor’s sermon notes, mainly because (a) nobody uses them, or (b) everyone is looking at the digital version on their phone, or (c) everyone is looking at their phone, but still not using the sermon notes, if you get my Instagram-scrolling drift.
Anyway, these full-color booklets are limited-issue collectors items, and you’re going to want one. Or many, because we have a ton that kids didn’t want or adults refused to take and they’re sold in lots of 500.
Commemorative “Rolling Stone” bulletin cover
Why should the devil have all the good music, indeed?
We designed a one-Sunday-only bulletin cover to look like those secular guys who promote rock and roll. And that’s because there’s a truer and better rock that did the truer and better roll.
(Remember: it’s not copyright infringement if our founder came up with it 2,000 years ago.)
Pre-packaged Jelly Belly communion cups
I will freely admit that some ideas are slightly ahead of their time, and that was true of our partnership with jellybean czar Jelly Belly™. Parishioners didn’t appreciate our whimsical, sugary spin on unleavened bread, nor the gelatinous “juice” that it swam in. Sold in sets of two, flavors will vary.
Our apologies, but the FDA has advised us that we cannot include the “Passover Donkey” flavor in outgoing orders.
Christmas inviter cards
Are you somewhat worn out by the attendance surge twice a year? Us too. Tired of wondering if people have moved and/or are in the witness protection program, just to see them show up for the high holy holidays? Same. Frustrated with those who show up just because Mama was on their back and Grandma threatened to withhold the Easter ham if they didn’t come to church? Been there, done that.
We capitalized on the captive audience we lovingly refer to as the “Poinsettia and Lily Crowd.” As they exited their first church service in months, we encouraged them to think about their next visit…months from now. After all, Christmas is happening on the 25th again this year!
The stunned looks we received were proof enough that they were surprised at such a thoughtful gesture, and the cards dropped on the sidewalk told us they were too overwhelmed at our foresight to hold onto them.
Four designs to choose from, please specify in order form.
Remember, our loss is your gain. Stock up on Easter supplies this year, and be all the more prepared for next year.* See all pricing on our closeout merchandise here.
*The FDA has advised that you assume all risks when consuming Jelly Belly communion cups, which only have a 11 day shelf life.**
**11 day shelf life corresponds with the twelve disciples minus Judas, so it’s Biblical. But still: don’t push that expiration date.
If you’re up for more foolishness, here’s a look at April Fools Days of yore…
- 2023 – FTG? Meet GPT.
- 2022 – Something BIG is Coming This Easter!
- 2021 – The NoTurna® Vaccine is Coming!
- 2020 – Connecting Online: a Pandemic Guide to Guest Services
- 2019 – Book #2 is Coming Soon!
- 2018 – First Time Guest Easter Baskets
- 2017 – Blessed Are the Hands: My Next Chapter of Ministry
- 2016 – The Secret Shopper Service Begins!
- 2015 – Announcing the Summit’s “Fundamentalist-in-Residence” Program
- 2014 – Introducing socialMEdia™ Small Groups
- 2013 – First Time Guest Giveaways
- 2012 – New Day, New Parking Rules
- 2011 – The New Venue’s Value
- 2010 – Baptism Xpress This Weekend!
- 2009 – Gospel-Centered Coffee
Photo credits: Austin Franks, Rob Laughter
I always look forward to this post! Thanks for making me and Myrtle laugh!!!
I was looking forward to this year’s installment! And you didn’t disappoint!